During your formative years, you have your own memories of how you and your significant (or meaningless) relationships negotiated sexual practices and taboos. If that was longer than even a few years ago, the why?s, when?s, how?s, where?s and who?s have probably changed. That?s why Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker?s book Premarital Sex: How Young Americans Meet, Mate and Think About Marrying (Oxford) is so fascinating. This study is an informative read that can give you insight on how contemporary romantic and sexual relationships are conducted.
The central findings of the book seem to be that it?s both worse and not as bad as one would think. These 18-23 years old??emerging adults? the authors refer to are having sex without concern for marriage vows. They start in high school, wish they had waited and don?t really relish the hooking up culture. Their sexual relationships are an exercise in fidelity; the concept of serial monogamy is?prevalent. Further, the number of partners per person is about the same as it was in the early 90s (25). The?resistance?to marriage is a?resistance?to ?settling down? or, more directly, a loss of what everyone has told them to be ?the best time of their lives.? Marriage means responsibility?and more concerningly, children. Though this is a course that most adults find themselves in, these young adults refuse to take it on at a young age.
The lowest rates of sexual activity among emerging adults are those involved in organized religion, but given enough time, the authors write, ?virginity in the pews is quite rare.? He writes about self-described religious students Cali and Laura ??selectively permissive:
the moral rule remains right?and good and in effect, yet it does not apply to them at present, for reasons too nuanced and difficult for them to adequately describe. It?s not that they?re hypocritical. Rather, they feel the powerful pull of competing moral claims upon them: the script about what boyfriends and girlfriends in love want or are supposed to want to do for and to each other, and the script about what unmarried Christian behavior should look like. They want to satisfy both but find themselves rationalizing.?(35)
Titles are not big with these emerging adults?titles confer responsibility and?commitment. ?The concept of ?friends with benefits? is something that happens, but the authors note that these relationships are more often with former partners than random new ones. There is a felt need for comfort, intimacy and familiarity. In fact, though short sexual relationships are a part of a majority of non-romantic relationships, the longstanding ?friends with benefits? relationships are almost nonexistent.?(72)
There is also a fascinating section on pornography and it?s effect on wanted and unwanted sexual behavior. This whole section is very important for the pervasive hold that pornography has taken in our churches; the anecdotal evidence of these emerging adults will help when they become full adults and come to you for counseling. To wit:
?Guys, you know, they, [sighs] expect certain things, and they can only expect those things if they?ve seen them somewhere.?
?You know, I don?t know. I don?t have a problem with it or anything. Um, I think that, um like every once in a while, it?s like, you will com across stuff, like, kind of uh, not always friendly to the women. And I think that?s kind of weird, but I don?t like that. But, um, as long as it?s not like that, I don?t think there is any problem at all.??(96)
The authors quote columnist Dan Savage, ?Every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn?t .??One of the reasons The Burner values this book is that?Regnerus devotes almost 40 pages of the book to the emotional fallout from the sexual relationships. He admits that most researchers don?t want to publish findings on this part of sexual life for fear of appearing too conservative or prudish, but also notes that these emerging adults feel these strong emtional attachements to their former partners:
guilt, regret, temporary self-loathing, rumination, diminished self-esteem, a sense of having used someone else or been used, a sense of having let yourself down, discomfort about having to lie or conceal sex from family, anxiety over the depth and course of the relationship, and concern over the place and role of sex in a relationship. (137)
The book?s focus then turns to those who fall into the extreme end of emotional torment, but later confirms that men have an easier time overall than women with casual sexual relationships. (TB?s favorite part of the book is when the authors show admirable restraint in describing his deep dislike for one of the respondents, ?Justin.? It?s a short little window of Regnerus? fatherly concern for his subjects in the research-driven book.)
The section of the book devoted to ?Red Sex? (sexual behaviors among American conservatives) is also informative. The author asserts that any set of cultural values devoted to marriage, family and childrearing has to include its share of sex. A fair summation of ?red sex?:
It?s romantic. It?s fairly relational. It?s quick to sex and nearly as quick to marry. It?s mindful and deferential to organized Christianity. It bears children earlier and more often than blue sex (author?s term). It publicly balks at abortion but experiences no shortage of them. It tolerates divorce?sometimes several of them?because a happy marriage is part of the American good life. (208)
Obviously, there is more in this book that this review cannot include. The book is quick to read and should be read by your youth and young adult leaders. Though times may have changed since your wild-oat sowing, this book removes any excuse for not knowing about the sexual behavior of American emerging adults.
Agree or disagree? Bring it up in the comments.
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