Arachnids.
Yes, arachnids; our eight-legged ?friends? that cling to the shadowy, forgotten corners of our homes, under the damp seal of a rock, to the harsh, hot crust of the desert, and to their feathery webs, crafted overnight in our gardens. Arachnids, as a group, are not at all unfamiliar to us humans, and while, overall, the relationship between ourselves and these ubiquitous invertebrates is a bit complex, by and large in Western culture, arachnids are feared and reviled. The most familiar groups of arachnids, spiders, scorpions, ticks, and mites, have earned reputations as some of the most terror-inducing, retch-provoking, and spine-shuddering animals we encounter in our day-to-day lives. We cringe at the thought of ticks embedded in our skin, face first, bodies inflating into pulsating balloons of blood. We attempt to ignore the unsettling fact that millions of microscopic mites graze on our dead skin cells, both separated from our bodies and still attached. We regard scorpions, prehistoric beasts made of plates, claws, stingers, and venom, as symbolic of the uninhabitable desert wilderness.
And then, of course, there are the oh-so common spiders, creatures who receive reactions from humans ranging from praise for their beautiful, radial web architecture, to mild annoyance when encountering a surprise face and mouthful of this same web on a forest trail, to revulsion and a swift, life-ending blow with a shoe or newspaper (turning the hapless critter into a drab smear of entrails), to blinding, full-on arachnophobic panic. These last group of arachnids, in particular, are the animal kingdom?s ?black sheep? in our culture, becoming a fixture in our conceptualization of the spooky atmosphere of Halloween; curiously, along with bats, spiders are among the few living, non-fictional entities we set alongside the stereotypical ghoulish folklore characters like zombies, skeletons, witches, and sundry other monsters. Apparently, we consider spiders among the creepiest, darkest, and most unnerving of all living things.Those that fear spiders, and creepy-crawly arachnids in general, cite these creatures? long, spindly limbs, soul-less eyes, hairy bodies, venomous fangs, fast movements, and a tendency to inhabit abandoned, abyssal areas where we are already at unease, as some the reasoning behind their prejudice. This instinctual aversion is strong enough, and prevalent enough, to inspire scores of films and literature where spiders are featured as agents of terror. Seriously. There are plenty. Of examples.?Our overwhelmingly negative view of spiders, especially, obscures some of their talents, many of which are immensely useful to humans. These include the production of a silk that is tougher than Kevlar (which has instigated research into super-strong materials), and an inarguably critical ecological role that keeps populations of their prey items (insects) in check. Spiders, like most arachnids, in the immortal words of Rodney Dangerfield, ?get no respect.?

Oh jeez. Are you guys happy now?
In the same way that spiders and other more familiar arachnids are misunderstood and have unrecognized, underappreciated roles in our lives, the very definition and realization of what arachnids, in the broadest sense,?actually are?typically is met with limited experience and knowledge. For example, most people, if prompted to ?name an arachnid? would answer firstly (overwhelmingly so) with ?spider.? Some might follow up with ?scorpion?, or perhaps ticks and mites?pretty much everything with eight legs and without insect-like antennae that comes to mind. However, the diversity of arachnids extends far beyond the web-bound orb weaver bobbing in the breeze in your front yard?s hedges, or the chigger causing lovely, itchy welts to form on your skin. While these groups are the most speciose, and most common accompaniment to our daily lives (good or bad), there are entire taxonomic orders of arachnids that go quite completely, and miserably, ignored.
This entry is to serve as the first in a series of explorations into the less-loved (or, perhaps, less-persecuted, simply out of unfamiliarity) arachnids.
But first, perhaps it is helpful to start with the following question: what is an arachnid, exactly?
The rule of thumb distinction between insects and arachnids, when trying to broadly identify a little, buggy critter with lots of legs, is the number of limbs, the number of body segments, and the presence or absence of antennae. This diagnostic method tends to work well in practice, but it doesn?t really inform?why?this distinction between the two types of animals is important, and the phylogenetic, evolutionary context.
Firstly, arachnids are members of the phylum Arthropoda (meaning ?jointed leg?). Essentially everything you find on this planet that has an exoskeleton, jointed appendages, and a segmented body is an arthopod; think insects, crabs, centipedes, shrimp, and the extinct trilobites. As far as animals are concerned, the vast bulk of them, both in number of species and number of individuals, are arthropods. There are over a million described species. If you were to randomly select a single species of animal on this planet, four times out of five that species would be an arthopod. When most people think of animals, furry mammals and other vertebrates instantly come to mind, but in reality, Earth is fucking covered in a tide of tiny, robot-like arthopods in all environmental realms.
Within this phylum are subdivisions, called ?sub-phyla? that break up the gargantuan number of arthropod species into about four living groups. One of these groups is the Chelicerata, which includes arachnids, but also includes living fossils like horseshoe crabs (obviously not true, crustacean crabs) and potentially an enigmatic, alien group of animals known as ?sea spiders? (although the classification on this group is constantly in review). It is the arachnids that make up the great majority of chelicerate diversity. Chelicerates are distinguished by the presence of unique pre-mouth appendages known as chelicerae, which have diversified into a wide range of morphologies, including the fangs of spiders, and pincer-like forms in most other members of this clade. Chelicerates also have appendages called pedipalps, which in more primitive groups are leg-like, but in ?higher chelicerates? have been modified into delicate sensory tools, organs used in reproduction, or weapons for defense or procuring food. Pedipalps can, with some reservation, be thought of as the chelicerate version of hands. Tiny, finger-less, hairy, creepy, jointed hands.
Arachnids, members of the class Arachnida, are the most prominent chelicerates (with more than 100,000 species), and have become by far the most successful group of chelicerate to colonize terrestrial ecosystems. This group, more or less, has two distinct body segments (called ?tagmata?); a cephalothorax (essentially the fusion of the head and thorax, typically covered by an unsegmented carapace), and the abdomen. The separation of these two tagmata can be stark, like in spiders, or more nuanced, like in ticks or scorpions.

Not labeled: Horror genre marketability gland
The distribution of internal organs, and relative position of limbs, in this bi-segmented set-up that the arachnids have going on is a little hard to understand from our own vertebrate perspective. Imagine if you didn?t really have a neck, and your head sort of just continued on into your body, and if your arms and legs attached in this area right behind your head. Now, imagine if everything sort of pinched off behind your legs, and about 90% of all your major organ systems were packed into a bulbous mass sticking out beyond that ?waist? behind your head-legs. Oh, and you wouldn?t really have a ?normal? circulatory system, just a blood-filled cavity that sort of periodically dumped oxygenated blood on the other organs. This is known as an ?open circulatory system? and is typical of arthropods.
You?d be a horrific, human calabash?with limbs?and a hole leading to your lungs where your asshole should be. Your actual?anus would be on your lower back, right above your respiratory hole. So, holding your breath while taking a dump would be recommended. As if that wasn?t bizarre enough, under this configuration, you would have your?genitals positioned on your sternum.?You would probably find it hard to get a date.
Arachnids certainly don?t eat like we do either. The overwhelming majority of arachnid species are carnivorous, and tend to liquefy their prey items by injecting or covering them with digestive enzymes after capture. Only in a small minority of groups is the viscera-smoothie option rejected for the consumption of conventional, solid bits of food.
Reproduction and early life development in arachnids differs significantly from that of insects. Most of this difference comes in the lack of any kind of metamorphosis taking place in the development of young arachnids. Once arachnids are out of the egg, there?s no time for legless, lackadaisical, larval childhoods; they get right with the program and are born with the capacity for rapid movement (and within a short amount of time, the ability to kill food for themselves), being simply small, softer-bodied versions of adult arachnids. Anyone who has come across a mature spider egg sac and poked it with a stick is well-acquainted with the precociousness of hundreds of miniature, ghostly white, pollen grain-like babies, which quite suddenly engage in an exodus from their safe nursery?and onto the stick?and onto your hand.
Of those 100,000 arachnid species, 40,000 are found in the order that contains the spiders (Araneae). Another 30,000 are in the order belonging to mites and ticks (Acari). There are another 2,000 species of scorpion. Three-quarters of arachnid diversity is taken up by these three groups, but there are roughly a dozen orders within the arachnid class, and most of those remaining nine groups have species counts in the low hundreds, and don?t nearly get the publicity or exposure as a common barn spider or a deer tick.
The first of these neglected orders that will be addressed is the order Amblypygi, with its comparatively meager 136 described species. Pronunciation of this order?s name may conjure imagery of a sauntering swine, but the translation from Greek derives its true meaning?which is quite literally ?blunt ass? (amblyo- = dull, blunt, pygo- = rump). It seems like an oddly benign descriptor for an arachnid, especially when it?s for the entire taxonomic order. Perhaps, you think, it?s a stumpy, adorable sort of thing; the rare ?cute? arachnid. Surely, you say, that?s what the ?blunt butted? Amblypygi must consist of.
You were wrong.
This unholy combination of legs, spines, and the tears of small children is known as a ?tailless whip scorpion?, as well as a ?whip spider?, although it is neither a scorpion or a spider and is obviously far more terrifying than either of those things. This twisted creature appears to be molded out of the most unsettling portions of spiders, praying mantises, crabs, and daddy longlegs, but through the curious gestalt properties, is a uniquely hideous product of nature. You may recognize these animals as the ?spider? that was used in demonstration of the ?three unforgivable curses? in this scene in the film adaptation of ?Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire??or, alternatively, in the worst dream you?ve ever had.
The ?whip? part of the name comes its first pair of legs, which have been modified into elongated, highly-sensitive, antennae-like probes. It is tempting to hypothesize that the function of these whips is for tickling the nose of sleeping humans so that they?ll open their mouths, allowing for this charmer to climb inside and lay its eggs in the back of the throat? but this is, fortunately, not the case. The whips are instead sensory organs, held far out in front of its body in order to detect anything worth snatching up for a meal. This includes crickets, beetles, caterpillars, and firstborn Egyptian sons.
It achieves this by use of its pedipalps, which you may have noticed have been modified into vicious, raptorial claws (?raptorial? typically referring to a limb that has underwent modifications for grasping prey). These long pedipalps, whose ends are densely studded with sharp, interlocking thorns, are kept tightly folded up against the gnashing chelicerae of the amblypygid, patiently awaiting some incredibly unlucky insect to cross its path. The pedipalps are also used in territorial displays against others of the same species, and amblypygids routinely extend and clash them against those of a transgressing individual (like bucks do with their antlers) in order to persuade them to step off their turf, whether their neighborhood is rich in mates or in prey.

That sound you?re hearing is your bladder involuntarily emptying itself.
However, unless you are living in the tropical and subtropical regions of the world, you are unlikely to come across an amblypygid. Even if you were a resident of these warmer latitudes, you?d still have to search for these guys. They are usually nocturnal creatures, preferring to wedge their flattened bodies underneath wet logs, stones, or a piece of tree bark during the day?places where you really shouldn?t be putting your hands anyways while in the tropics. At night, they move silently and carefully along the rainforest floor, surveying their world by way of the delicate touch of their sensory legs. This is really the only way for them to interact with their environment, because amblypygids are really fucking blind. This may be a little surprising, considering that they have eight eyes; three grouped together on each side of the cephalothorax, and two more right in front on that raised bump that looks a bit like a nose.
If you were to somehow come across an amblypygid in the wild, you would have little to worry about. I can hear your incredulous gasps now, ?What? How can this be??Look?at this thing!? Amblypygids generally resemble what would come skittering out from between the dank, unwashed folds of a nightmare. They look like the voracious guardians of an ancient, booby trapped tomb in an Indiana Jones movie, or something that would hitch a ride across the galaxy on an asteroid, only to collide with Earth, scuttle out of the impact crater, and seek to take over the planet. If there was an organism banished to inhabiting the dark, dusty, cramped, lonely unknown of the area behind your washing machine, it would be an amblypygid. Surely, you protest, this spindly troglobitic creature, with its horrible claws, beady eyes, and all-feeling whips, bound to darkness and the humid, alien, subterranean world just below the forest undergrowth?must be deadly. Indeed, it must be a rabid, bloodthirsty monster; fangs overflowing with venom, legs taut with the anticipation of leaping and clinging to your face, spiky pedipalps itching to spring wide open and impart a puncturing embrace.
While the imagery of a company of ill-fated cave divers being feasted upon by hoardes of hyperaggressive, dinner plate-sized demon-spiders might seem appropriate for an animal as unsettling in aesthetics as the amblypygid (or for a low-budget, made-for-TV thriller; I?m looking at you Syfy)?but in reality, this scenario is an impossibility.
Observe, the horror that is an interaction between a human and a large amblypygid:
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